Midlife crisis survival techniques – Making friends as a grown-up

Have you ever stopped to consider your current friendship group? How long have you known some of the people in it? Do you have some friends who you would happily invite to any event but also some that are more of the ‘quick coffee once a month’ kind of friends? Do you have friends who you sometimes don’t see for years at a time, but when you do meet up, it is as if you have never been apart?

I have always yearned for the kind of friendships you see in films; where two people share their deepest secrets and dreams. I am, however, self-aware enough to know that I am also a very reticent sort, who has major trust issues. But my neuroses are not what we are talking about today. Today we are looking at some of the ways we can make new friends as a grown-up.

Old friends, new friends

My current friendship group is almost entirely made up of people I have met in the last 10 years or so. While I still see old school friends from time to time, the people I spend most of my time with, who aren’t my family, are women I have met locally and relatively recently. I say relatively, as I am comparing myself to my mother, who at 65 is still friends with people she has known since she was 4. Some of her other friendships are well over 40 years old. I put this longevity down to the fact that my mum is a ‘good friend’: she contacts people regularly, she remembers grandchildren’s names and birthdays and often goes to visit people. There are times when I worry that she is doing most of the work, but keeping active is better than sitting alone at home, I suppose.

In comparison, I often go weeks without seeing my friends, although I do try and text them at least once a week. I feel that there is a fine line between ‘keeping in touch’ and being annoying, and I am still trying to work out what it is. As with most situations I find myself in, if I am approached I will happily chat away to anyone. However I have great trouble in initiating conversations. That is why I am stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to meet new people by joining some clubs and attending events I would not normally try out.

A friend for every occasion

This poem offers one explanation for the different kinds of friendships. It suggests that there are differences between, ‘A reason’, ‘A season’ and ‘A Lifetime’. I have had a number of ‘seasonal’ friends; people who I have met, spent time with and now, aside from the odd Facebook message, no longer see. All of the people I went to university with, most of the people I met at my old church, the mums I used to hang out with when the children were small; I rarely see any of them now. Yet during certain ‘seasons’ they all played important roles in my life.

Some people I met only once, like the squad from the couch surfing event. But for that one weekend, we had a great time – in fact I still get invites to events in Holland and Germany. Much like the poem explains, sometimes people some into our lives, purely for these moments of fun.

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Who is ‘your squad’?

Have you ever had one of those awkward events where your different friends attend, and the only thing they have in common is you? You then have to flit between them all, hoping everyone is having a good time and feeling somehow responsible for everyone’s mood. Some of my friends are fellow mums, so we have that in common, while many of my friends are in their fifties and sixties, and have grandchildren. Some are well up for an outdoor adventures, while others are more likely to suggest a drink, or a meal out. I have not had a ‘squad’, in the sense that all of my friends, are friends with each other and we hang out in one massive group, since school. And perhaps uni, but I always felt like more of a tag-a-long than part of the group.

Unless you exclusively plan on having grand events to which you invite everyone you know, having a range of friends is probably a better idea than sharing a group with others. Having friends that are ‘yours’ and not part of your relationship, or workplace is integral to building a good support network. It certainly comes into play when a relationship ends; it’s one thing to divide your belongings and fight over who gets the cat…but who gets the friends? How do you get independent advice when the friend you are asking knows all of your other friends? One of the single most important aspects of surviving my mid-life crisis, has been cultivating a great group of friends, many of whom have never met each other. One,in fact, lives thousands of miles away. We have still had the chance to meet though, and I have every intention of going back to Japan and spending more time with her.

Making friends as an adult

When you started school you will have been sat next to someone, or maybe your childhood friends were foisted on you because your parents just happened to be friends. Children seem to make friends (and fall out!) a lot easier than adults. They are forced into each others company and are actively encouraged to hang out. What if you get to a certain time in life and realise, that you have far less friends than you thought you did. We like to trick ourselves that by adding old school friends and ex-neighbours to our Facebook page that we are ‘connecting’, but these are merely acquaintances. A true connection requires more than liking the odd photo, now and then.

So where will we meet these new friends? We need to appreciate that they are unlikely to fall in our laps. As with all good things, we are going to have to go out and find them.

Join in

One way of doing this is to find local clubs and groups to join. I have something of a mobile phone addiction. It’s not a problem, as far as I am concerned. Having a phone to look at helps during those awkward loitering moments, when you are waiting for friends, or desperately need to look up important information – like is Shirley Temple still alive (No) or is cow tipping a thing (apparently, also no). During one of these ‘mobile moments’ I came across an app for ‘meeting up’. Initially I was looking for Japanese speaking groups to practice with but what I found gave me a whole new idea.

There was a group, which I could attend, that would help me improve my confidence and teach me how to speak more confidently in public. As someone who wants to eventually get into teaching it would be a really useful skill to develop. That is why I took myself off to the toastmasters meet up. Despite knowing no-one there, I was greeted by friendly people, who were more than happy to explain how the group worked. I even got up to join in the ‘Table Topics’ section, which involved answering a random question on the spot. As the group meets twice a month, I will being going back this week, so I will keep you posted with how that goes.

Women’s Institute

My Mother and I finally got organised and went along to the WI. We have been saying for years we would have a look at the Women’s Institute,and now we have. There was a talk from BBC Radio Bristol’s Emma Britton, tea and cakes and a raffle. While we had actually picked the last meeting before the group broke up for the summer, we have already pencilled in the September meeting and signed up for the Christmas meal.

If the Women’s Institute is not for you, have you considered other clubs? When the kids were younger I was part of Craft club and a ‘women’s’ group’ (It was literally just called Women’s Group!), which offered a free creche. Check out notice boards in local supermarkets; that was how I found clubs and activities when I moved to my house and was in a different area.

Shared Interests

I initially signed up to the meet-up app looking for Japanese speakers to practice with. This week I was finally able to make it there. The group meets in a pub, and my irrational fear of walking into pubs alone was in full swing while I loitered about for 10 minutes. Fully resolved to go home and write the whole thing off, I spotted the small group at a table near the back. Over the 2 hours I was there, at least 20 or so people arrived and left. Although I only got to speak to a few of them, one of them had actually lived and taught in Osaka, and offered suggestions for books and programmes. And as if a sign from the fates was required, I spotted this window display on my walk back into town.

I will be trying out their suggestions for Netflix shows and films, so I will have something to talk about next time . Whether I will be able to talk in Japanese is another question!

Courses and learning

Evening classes, workshops, or free lectures are a great way of getting out of the house, and as often people attend on their own, you may soon be chatting to a new friend. Check out the local college or Eventbrite for details of events in your area. Keeping active and meeting new people, even if they don’t become long term friends, is great for building confidence. The networking opportunities also mean you may find out about other courses, or groups you can potentially join. It is also worth remembering that you should never regret learning new things. Developing your skill set is always a worthwhile investment.

Volunteering

If there are no clubs or courses you want to try, how about a stint of volunteering? There is no end of the groups that require volunteers, whether you want to work with older adults, teens, small children, even animals. I have been involved in Girl Guiding for years, and I have meet loads of interesting people and had lots of exciting adventures: I once got to enrol one of my guides at the top of Mont Blanc while we were camping in Italy. (During that camp, I also had to rescue my Mother from a zipline 40 foot up a tree. Cannot take her anywhere!)

Both of my daughters spent time volunteering in local charity shops as a way of gaining work experience, and they are always looking for people who are able to offer their time to help. We have also run toddler groups, youth clubs and craft workshops. You will meet very different people at all of these places and get a buzz out of helping people out.

Over to you

I am currently working on part two of this post, which will look at using the internet find friends, all over the world. If you have any experiences; good or bad, let me know.
Where did you meet your best friend? What are the important aspects of maintaining a long term friendship? What about issues with trying to end a friendship? Would love to read your comments, below.