Sound familar?
Recognise this? This is why people have a problem buying presents.
Someone asks you: “What would you like for Christmas?”
and you reply: “Don’t really need anything…ummm… I need some tea towels? A pack of tea towels?”
“I’m not buying you that! – I’ll get you a nice soap set.”
Why ask if you aren’t willing to listen to requests!
If you are just going to totally ignore what I needed and get something completely different why bother asking for input?
One year I asked for a wine rack and received a fleece jumper.
I do not do fleece; I am not a fleecy kind of girl.
You also cannot store wine in fleece…it makes it warm…it’s a totally unsuitable replacement is the point I am making.
The problem with gift buying
Some people feel that asking someone what they want ruins the whole point of Christmas; your gift should be a surprise, or maybe you should know your friend/ loved one well enough to instinctively know what they would like – or definitely NOT like.
I feel it is more important to get someone something that will be of use, or at the least enjoyable for them.
While doing my research for this piece, I was surprised at the number of posts that actively encourage not buying gifts at all; That Christmas is all about your ‘presence’ and not your presents.
From an economic standpoint, Martin Lewis argues that presents are a zero-sum game. I buy you a present, you spend the same money as me, no-one has gained anything – especially if the present is a bit naff.
Why have we got like this?
Are we doing presents wrong?
Giving a gift is the simplest thing in the world.
Why have we made it so complicated?
I think the real reason people refuse to buy you what you have asked for, especially if you have asked for something as simple as tea towels, or a pack of pens for school, is because they are more concerned with how they will be perceived.
It’s not you, it’s me…
For some people, presents aren’t about the person receiving them. It is about ‘top show’; a need to look good or generous.
Presents should always be about the recipient. Have you ever seen someone say ‘don’t get me anything’ only for this to be countered with the suggestion that they ‘need to have something to unwrap’, despite their protestations?
Gift buying is not about the buyer. You buy them something they would like or, if they have asked for something specific, buy them what they want.
Buying something small is not a poor reflection on the buyer if that is what was requested. We need to take the ego out of gift-giving.
It doesn’t matter if the other person hasn’t spent as much back, or if their gift isn’t as thoughtful or as meaningful as yours. Like the old saying goes: you do not give to receive.
How to do gift-giving properly
Obligation:
I am always bemused at the long list of recipients to my Mums gift buying: friends of friend’s grandchildren, people she hasn’t seen for years, friend’s partners who she has yet to meet… so the first rule of gift buying?
You are under no obligation to buy ANYONE a present. You choose to buy them.
What is the worst that will happen if you don’t drop a tin of biscuits around to your old babysitter who you occasionally bump into now and then?
Absolutely nothing. Life will go on and it is possible that they won’t even notice.
Know your audience
Have you ever spotted something and thought ‘they will really like that’ or ‘that is so them’. When you know someone well it is easier to get them a present that you know they will enjoy because you know what they like and what they want.
These are true gifts.
Avoid Tat
Buying cheap tat to pad out a present is unnecessary. And it creates clutter!
Presents, for present’s sake, just to make it look like you bought something does not make you look thoughtful. People know when you have grabbed a 3 for 2 soap set, and when you have actually thought about a present.
I always used to do this for the kids. I felt they had to have exactly the same number of presents or it would look unfair. To who? No-one, that’s who.
My boys know it is easy to buy small presents for girls – bath bombs, ear-rings – while they want computer games that cost the best part of £40 a pop. They know they will have less in terms of physical presents, because I have explained they all get the same spent on them.
Just ask
We have to buy a Secret Santa present at work. Having been stung by some shockingly bad and thoughtless presents, I was always a bit wary of them. I now look on it as a gift-buying exercise, not a gift getting one and with my low expectations, anything will be a bonus.
So, on the pretence that I was asking for someone else, I approached the person I am buying for, asked for suggestions and have bought them something – I believe- they will quite like.
If you don’t know what to get someone – ask them!
And if they give you a suggestion? Use it!
Over to you
What are your thoughts on gift buying? Do you listen to requests or buy what you think they would like? Would you rather just not buy at all?
Let me know in the comments.
This hits he nail right on the head! I think you’re right in everything you have said here. Now, why do you want for Christmas? 🤔
Thank you Karen
I think I am terrible to buy badly for, if that makes sense!
I am attempting minimalism so I don’t like ‘stuff’ – but anything remotely stationery or Japan based, and I am happy 😊
I also have my eyes on a pair of shoes… And have created a none too subtle Pinterest Board called ‘Things I would like to have…’ which I direct people to😂
Great post! We learnt at cultural antrophology that giving gifts is like extending a contract. We exchange gifts to extend our friendships for a year. It probably seems very empty in a way, but I do think it works to some extension. It was very interesting topic and our professor was very pro when it comes to giving gifts. With gift you do show some respect, love, kindness to that person and I think it is a beautiful way to give someone something they want, especially if you asked in the first place.
Food for thought! I get horribly anxious when it comes to buying presents, and even receiving them. I like to know what I’m getting because I don’t like surprises
The social obligation behind gift giving fascinates me. I am now in my forties and my mums friend of over 50 years suggested they both stop buying for ‘the kids’ ie me, my brother and her 4 sons! The idea that you need to extend from your friend, to their husband , to their kids and then grandkids gets a bit expensive after a while!
I like controlled surprises!
I tell my husband to buy one of a few things… There is still an element of surprise, but I basically know what it is!
Controlled surprises sounds good, actually! I think I could handle that
That’s a good idea! An amazon wish list is my preferred hinting tool 😂
Definitely. At some point you need to make some cuts otherwise you would only work for buying gifts everyone.
Hats off to you, Polly because everything that you wrote here is absolutely true! I’ve always been the kind of person who loves to give gifts and I don’t even ask the people who I’m gifting what would they like, but surprisingly, everything that I gave them turned out to be pretty useful for them! Xx
Lovely post by you as always, I’ve missed reading your ponderings! Xx
Mary
When I tell people I don’t want any gifts for the holidays, I mean it. I’m a very particular sort of person – I don’t like junk, I’m not against donating or tossing something I won’t use, and I hate feigning surprise and happiness over a gift I genuinely don’t want.
Bless them for trying of course, but I think it’s more respectable to simply listen to what that person tells you – so you nailed that one!
I try to buy what a person needs – I know my mom needs new bath towels, she’s been complaining about them for years. I know my roommate is twitchy about his guitar capo’s spring being broken and needing to find a new one. I know my brother loves any and all things garden gnome and always expanding his collection.
Some people are easy. Some people, I have to ask about. I try to respect their wishes either way.
Great post and a good reminder for a lot of people!~
This is a really great post and honestly i definitely agree with what your saying! I am guilty of so many of the things u mentioned oops ahaha i didn’t even realise! The expectation of gift giving has honestly got a bit out of hand thats for sure
This has to be the ultimate gift guide! Bless you Polly, you’re spot on! Mx
This is all so accurate! Don’t get me wrong, I like giving gifts and I like receiving them, but I HATE tat! You’re so right about it always being more about the giver than the receiver – I’ve got so much stuff on my wish list that my parents refuse to buy because it’s “boring stuff”, but it’s stuff I want! I wish everyone just had a wish list and we all just got each other things from the lists, or nothing at all. Great post 🙂
Gift giving is always such a mine field. I think as the gift giver you want the other person to be happy and feel valued but your thinking about your budget, feeling guilty if they spend more on you…and so on. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves and really we need to simplify it right down and like you said – Just ask! I really enjoyed this post!! x
Linda || Lindaroche.blogspot.com