The power of no
Long have I propounded the benefits of being polite and nice to people.
I still fully endorse all I have previously written on the subject. But let’s just have a quick chat, you and I.
Does your being polite to people often get misconstrued as a form of weakness?
Are you seen as soft, or a pushover because you don’t scream and rant at the slightest annoyances?
Do you worry that saying no to someone might offend them?
Do you therefore go along with suggestions you may not necessarily agree with?
Come join my squad
Same!
I have got myself into all sorts of trouble by accepting things I didn’t want.
In fact, I put my overstuffed house down to not refusing items at the risk of not being offered again at another time.
Once, I was asked by a stranger if I was pregnant and I actually pretended I was. All because I didn’t want the person to be embarrassed for essentially saying I was fat!
There was a marvellous piece in ‘Psychology Today’ a number of years ago about the power of the word no.
It discusses how the word is so interlinked with ideas of negativity, that the people on the receiving end often have an unnecessarily emotional response to it.
‘No’, in and of itself is not negative. It is not wrong to say no to things that will harm you. Yet ‘No’ is often seen as such.
As Dr Judith Sills explains in her piece “negativity is an ongoing attitude, No is a moment of clear choice”.
Just because you are saying no now, does not mean you cannot, or will not change it in the future. It is, however, a clear indication of how you feel now, and we are all perfectly entitled to use the word.
Say yes, to less
Obviously, saying yes can be good, sometimes. It opens us up to challenges and new adventures.
No-one wants to hang with a ‘Negative Nelly’ who just shoots down all of your ideas and proposals.
You certainly need to say yes to things that speak to you. But there is also a fine line between ‘being true to yourself’ and being selfish.
If a friend desperately needs help you’ll need to make a moral decision at the time if you feel your need outweighs theirs.
But a ‘No’ – said politely, but firmly – is freeing you up to spend time on what you feel is important and helps your growth.
As Shakespeare points out in Henry V. (Yes, I literally know it off by heart!)
“Self-love… is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.”
This includes giving yourself permission to not do things you do not want to do.
Practice saying yes, to less, and recapture your space, time and freedom.
What will you being saying yes, less often to this year?